“...the Real Housewives of Dysfunction. might disagree, this is not normal behavior”
WOULD YOU DATE, YOU? AN ALT VIEW ON DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS
So you want to find Mr./Ms. Right. You spend your time on dating sites or searching in places for that spontaneous moment where that person will show up. Nobody wants to be alone and so sometimes this journey, of which is fraught with a series of failures and disappointments, leaves you just a bit more tainted, than you were before. This happens in relationship after relationship. You spend your time blaming the numerous experiences of your dating past and then when the next relationship comes, they become an accumulation of the Joe, Jill, Bill, Tom and Theresa of the past, in your mind.
You then go for a drink with your friends who are in your exact same boat, “You are too good for them!” your friends say over a few drinks and a fairly degrading conversation about the tryst of the moment.
But what we often fail to ask is, “Would I be in a relationship with me?”, “What does a relationship with myself look like?” and I mean that in less of a “Self Love, Green Tea Latte, Yoga on Tuesdays” sort of way, and more of a, Black Mirror, parallel version of yourself type of way.. if that version of yourself wanted to be in a relationship with YOU, what does that look like?
I remember back in my early 20’s, just trying to figure it out. I met a person that I was really into and we started some semblance of a relationship (your typical early 20’s in Los Angeles experience) and I remember ME texting repeatedly and tantrums. I remember feeling justified in being venomous with my words at times and following it up with sloppy and emotional (and probably drunk) “I love you’s” and wondering why this person didn’t want to be involved with me any further. Wondering why they kept me at arms length and most of the times further. Now, I am not justifying their behavior or saying that somehow they were a “saint” themselves and I was JUST this horrible monster (I take full responsibility that I was not my best self, we learn, we grow…hopefully.) but it’s not about them. It is about ME. I would NEVER entertain being in a relationship with someone like that, I would run for the hills, IMMEDIATELY. Even then, but that is painful to admit, isn’t it? That is painful to see, isn’t it? So we swallow some armchair style therapy pill found in a meme on social media as if it is a message from “God” himself about how they were just “Toxic, Narcissistic, Emotionally Abusive.” etc. Rarely in that moment do we run into the meme that says, “Check your ego honey, because you are a mess.” Look, you shouldn’t be in any relationship where you feel the NEED to move that far outside of yourself to gain attention, or be heard etc but also if you were acting this way towards yourself in a relationship, would you HONESTLY feel motivated to…I dunno..marry yourself? (Still following our little Sci-Fi universe)
It is incredible how many friends I have had over the years that just do the most painfully, PAINFULLY insane things in relationships, justify them, and not only seek but garner support in their insanity. The examples are numerous. I remember a particular birthday party I had, at the time I was dating a man and he was very late. My supportive but a bit overzealous friend proposed that we take the cake, walk to his house, and leave it there as some deranged symbol of the “female revolution!”… or something…of which my response was “How about we NOT do that?”. I have had numerous friends over the years that would text 35–70 page text messages to people that they liked and then when the poor person didn’t respond (maybe because people are autonomous beings on their own journey and do not owe you a response just because you want one?) they would turn to emails, threats of walking away, manic style emotional outbursts etc. Would you be in a relationship with any of these people? I wouldn’t. And if this is hitting just a little too close to home…you don’t need to watch another Matthew Hussey video or the latest “How to make him or her fall in love with you.” you don’t need any of that, you need to take some time and ask, “Okay, they may not be great but what am I doing?” because these stories are all too common. I am not mentioning anything that many of us either have not done ourselves or may be actively supporting a friend who is doing this right now. I want to tell you something, and maybe Instagram and the Real Housewives of Dysfunction. might disagree, this is not normal behavior, this is insane and whatever triggered you to get to this point will not be solved in another relationship, it is solved in therapy. *sips tea*
“So, what do I do?”
First, if you are supporting a friend who is doing this, you are not helping them, you are enabling them. I know that can be a harsh reality, but a reality nonetheless. Just think of it this way, if you start to detangle this very, very tangled web perhaps you can bless someone to actually have a healthy and fulfilling emotional life. Thus planting beautiful relationship seeds that will bear much better fruit in the future because this perpetuated and supported behavior is partially to blame for why, if you happen to find someone who is actually good, they may be a bit wounded. It is a vicious cycle but we can turn this into a beautiful gift that just keeps on giving.
Second, realize that any healthy relationship requires a level of autonomy. Two individual people building a collective world together but INDIVIDUALS nonetheless, with quirks and traumas and preferences on communication style. If that style triggers you to a point of obsession, perhaps that is not the relationship for you. I.E. You are an extrovert dating an Introvert,…which is a topic for another time or rather, a later post.
Third, it is cliché but it is actually true, if you don’t love yourself. There is NO WAY you are actually loving someone else, typically if you find yourself in a cycle of serial dating, it could be that you are running from the internal work that needs to be done because it actually is very scary to REALLY look at yourself, be with yourself, and realize what you are looking for is gonna take a bit more growth and emotional maturity.
Good news, if you have gotten this far, you are probably closer than you think and for that congratulations…stay tuned for more to come.
by Chrishauna DiShel
